发布时间：2020-12-13 热度：
高端essay代写_专业传媒学代写论文_专业作业代写技巧
Dear Nikhail Asnani,
I have read your script carefully and the story really attracts me. In your story, the building of the horrific ambition is significantly successful. The attacking scenes of the monster-like vampire are effectively built to present the bloodiness, brutality, and inhumanity of a monster figure. It creates a new type of vampire in the screen. The creation can drive the interests of audiences. However, your script still has some problems, including the lack of logic in some scene settings, the conflict in building the character, Malcolm, and the failure in defining the family relationship in the story. The following parts are the details of my notes.
Style/Tone/Intent
The script focuses on narrating a monster story associated with the secret trial of a powerful corporation. The script intends to build an untraditional vampire, which is like an inhuman and brutal monster and use the revenge of the monster to highlight the inhumanity and darkness of corrupted large and powerful corporations. In other words, the script illustrates a thriller story that intends to brings horrors of a monster and an inhuman corporation to its audiences. The style of the story illustration is consistent with the intention. The story frequently builds monster killing scenes as the horrific highlights. Importantly, the tone of the story to illustrate and narrate these horrific scenes focuses on appealing the horrific feelings of audiences. Accordingly, in the aspect of the script to connect its intention, its story illustrating style, and the tone, the script achieves a significant success.
Characterization
Malcolm
In the story, Malcolm, a Caucasian man is the protagonist. He has a family with Menaka, Henry, and Grandma Pati. He is the employee of Odyssey Ventures, a large corporation operating and managing an oil refinery in the town. Malcolm is the manager of a four-member team including Nick, Barry, Cho, and Lawrence. His team is responsible to operate the oil refinery. In the story, Malcolm and his coworkers are new employees of the oil refinery. Therefore, Malcolm and his family are the newcomers of the town. They know nothing about the horrors and dark secret in this town.
Malcolm in the story is built as a man who loves his family. However, the story ineffectively builds this personality of Malcolm. On the one hand, the story creates many scenes and dialogues to highlight the loves of Malcolm to his wife and son. These scenes demonstrate that Malcolm is not only a good father to take care of his kid but also a responsible man to support and love his family. On the other hand, in some scenes, the story demonstrates the conflict between Malcolm and his wife, Menaka about the issue of Menaka’s mother, Grandma Pati. Menaka wants to bring her mother into the family in order to better take care of her old mother. In contrast, Malcolm wants to bring Menaka’s mother out of the family to a nursing home because he cannot bear the living experiences with an old lady and do not want Grandma Pati’s old-fashion thoughts to influence his son. This conflict directly opposes to the responsible and family-oriented personality of Malcolm. As an audience of the story, I would like to see the consistency between Malcolm’s character setting and the story. It might help to present the efforts of Malcolm to balance his issue with Grandma Pati and his family-oriented personality in order to maintain the consistency of the characterization.
Moreover, as a team leader, Malcolm is built as a responsible manager in the story. The personality of responsibility is the main factor driving Malcolm to find out the reasons for his employees’ death and missing. However, the story ineffectively characterizes it this personality. On the one hand, Malcolm is the only person in the story who suspects the death and missing of his coworkers. The suspecting drives him to continuously discover the secret behind these deathful events. This reflects his personality of responsibility. On the other hand, some scenes build Malcolm as an irresponsible manager who is careless about strange things happening on his team members. For example, even Barry dies strangely, Malcolm easily accepts the suicide explanation without any question. Importantly, when Malcolm’s four employees die and miss one by one, there is no any scene explaining his worrying about the works in the oil refinery. In the logical thinking, a large oil refinery is impossible operated by only two workers. As a responsible manager, Malcolm must be worrying about the safety of his employees, the need for new employees, and the future of the oil refinery. However, in the story, there is no scene to illustrate this. It means that the characterization of Malcolm in relation to his responsible personality fails because the conflicts of Malcolm’s responsible personality. As an audience, I would like to see some scenes to explain Malcolm ’s responsible personality. It means that the author needs not only the focus of creating horrific scenes to develop the horrific ambition to audiences but also the attention to the consistency between characters’ settings and scene development. I might help to add some scenes to illustrate the responsibility of Malcolm for his works and roles and use these scenes as the explanation of Malcolm’s motivation for discovering the secret behind horrors.
Relationships
Family Relationship
Family relationship in the story is the driving factor for Malcolm to discover the secrets behind horrors happened in the apartment and the oil refinery because he wants to protect his family. However, the story fails to vividly define this family relationship because it fails to connect this relationship with the discovering process of Malcolm. In other words, the family relationship should be the reason for Malcolm to discover the secrets hided by his company because his family-oriented personality defines it. In the story, although many scenes explain that Malcolm loves his wife and son, there still lack scenes to connect his love with his actions. It means that the story only introduces Malcolm’s family relationship but fails to provide the linking scenes to vividly define it with the rest parts of the story. Accordingly, as an audience of the story, I would like to see the close connection between Malcolm’s family relationship and his actions. The author needs to develop some scenes to explain Malcolm’s secret discovering actions are for the good and safety of his family but not his own interests. The development connection is significantly important. It not only vividly defines the family relationship but also connects the characterization of Malcolm with the entire story.
Structure/Scene
This structure of the story in this script is:
Act I: end of page 12 before Barry’s death.
Act II: end of page 78 when Malcolm and Jacob decide to go to the oil refinery together.
Act III: end of page 114 after revivification of Grandma Pati.
The development of scenes in the script is successful. The script develops many attractive scenes to highlight the horrors brought by the monster and the dark secret in the oil refinery. The script also step by step reveals the secret discovering process to attract the attention of audiences all the times. However, although scenes created by the script successfully highlight the idea of horror, they still lack the support of logic in some times. For example, the initial definition of Barry’s death as suicide lacks logic because people usually do not kill themselves by bloody ways. Importantly, the story also lacks evidence to back up the suicide explanation because there is no suicide note founded. Therefore, the scenes that explain Barry’s death as the action of suicide lack the support of logic. Importantly, as demonstrated in page notes, scenes that lack logical supports are many in the script. The author needs to carefully check logic in all scenes in order to maintain the attention of audiences to the story but not the illogical scenes in the story.
Dialogue
Overall quality of dialogues in the story is good. Dialogues of the story successfully build a vivid, family-oriented, and responsible protagonist. However, the connections between dialogues and characterization and scenes are significantly weak. For example, Malcolm is characterized as a family-oriented man. However, some dialogues between Malcolm and Grandma Pati highlight the rudeness of Malcolm to his wife’s mother. These dialogues fail to link with the characterization of Malcolm. Moreover, there are many dialogues in the story between Malcolm and his coworkers. All these dialogues serve the function to highlight the closed relationship of Malcolm with his coworkers. However, these dialogues become less important in the story. These dialogues should be for building the responsible and amiable personalities of Malcolm. These personalities should be the driving factor to lead to Malcolm to discover the horrific secrets happened on his coworkers. However, in the story, the discovery mission of Malcolm is actually driven by his own interests but not his responsible and amiable personalities built by the dialogues. Accordingly, the author need to revise some dialogues in the story in order to more effectively link with Malcolm’s characterization. Meanwhile, the author also needs to add some dialogues to explain the care of Malcolm to his coworkers and the care-oriented motivation for his discovering mission.
Conflict
The scripts include two conflicts. One is the conflict between Malcolm and his wife about his wife’s mother, Grandma Pati. The conflict has the purpose to use the death of Grandma Pati to highlight the guilty of Malcolm. Then, using this guilty as one important reason to drive Malcolm to discover the truth of Grandma Pati’s death. However, the story does not maintain the momentum of this conflict because the conflict suddenly ends by Grandma Pati’s death without the following scenes connecting with the conflict. Therefore, the author fails to connect this major conflict in the story with the rest part of the story.
Another conflict occurs between Malcolm and his coworkers and their company, Odyssey Ventures. This conflict is the core of the story because it not only explains the secrets of the deaths and missing of Malcolm’s coworkers but also interprets the horror brought by the inhuman and powerful large corporation. In the story, the momentum of this conflict maintains at the high level by effectively connecting with the monster attacking scenes and the inhumanity of Malcolm’s boss, Edgar. The author does the excellent job to build this conflict in the story.
Page Notes
01 Grandma Pati becomes nervous when she is in the basement alone and hears footsteps coming down the stairs. This scene is weird. Two reactions of the old lady conflict. If she is timid to be afraid of weird sounds in the night, she will never go to the basement alone at this time.
03 The paramedic explains to Grandma Pati that the blood liquids resulted from the leaks from an old mine to the apartment’s water supply. The explanation is untrue because it lacks logic. Water supply is closed. It is impossible for the leaked liquids going into the water supply.
03 After the paramedic explains the leaked blood liquids in the laundry and the forgetting of the landlord to mention it to Malcolm’s family, Malcolm’s family easily accepts this fact. This scene is not convincing. Grandma Pati is almost killed by the irresponsibility of the landlord. It is impossible for them to peacefully accept this irresponsible act of their landlord.
12 Barry sits back on his chair to continue his working after hearing some weird footsteps. This scene is not convincing. It is impossible for Barry hearing weird sounds with no response in the alone situation then easily accepting this situation without concerning his own safety. Safety is always the first thing for people to consider after they heard strange sounds in the alone situation.
13 Police confirms that Barry’s death is caused by suicide because he jammed his head between two machines. The explanation of the police is significantly weak. There is no evidence to back up Barry’s suicide. It is naturally for people to think he is killed by negligence or murdered by others because it is significantly rare for people to kill themselves with such bloody way.
16 Malcolm rudely refutes Grandma Pati’s child education plan. This rule dialogues of Malcolm are not convincing. They are opposite to Malcolm’s family-oriented and amiable character setting.
29 Edgar speaks that they including Malcolm and his coworkers need to have a minute of silence to memory Barry at his death place. This scene is not complete. It is weird that Malcolm does not ask Edgar anything about the removing issue of Barry’s body.
53 Malcolm shows photographs as evidence to Nick and Cho in order to demonstrate the strange things occurred in the oil refinery, but Nick and Cho do not care them. The reaction of Nicks and Cho are completely weird. The evidence shows concerning facts. It is impossible for Nick and Cho to ignore it after the death of Barry and the missing of Lawrence.
77 Jacob explains that he does not want to go the oil refinery to find out the secrets in this mysterious building. Jacob’s decision is weird. It conflicts with his long-term actions. He has the great interest to find out the truth in the building. It is weird for him to give up this best opportunity.
